Things I Wish I Could Feel

I want to get something off my chest. It sounds sick, and twisted, and selfish, and wrong, a tiny part of me wants to experience the death of someone perhaps quite close to me.

Not really: I don't want anyone in my life to just be gone and, of course, I'm not talking about anybody specific at all. I love my parents and my other family, and my friends, and I really, really hope nothing bad happens to any of them for a long time.

Urgh. There's really no way to get all of this out without me seeming like an awful, awful person.

But today, I was reading the blog of someone I barely know, a writer, and someone close to them had just died. It was the way they were talking, the way it was written that just made it so clear how they felt about this person, and also how much they'd changed them.
It wasn't completley mournful or full of regrets: it was evaluation and reflection, and it sounds stupid but it was so strong it almost made me cry, and I almost felt astounded that I felt this amount of sadness for someone I don't know very well.

I want to take back the sentence up there.
I don't want anybody close to me to die, of course not.
But the thing is, every so often I see something or watch something or listen to something which brings me to this heavily delicate state of empathy and emotion. It can be happy or sad, but it's ridiculously blown out of proportion, how nowadays my strongest emotions are hardly ever brought on by my own situations, but by the feelings of a fictional character, a songwriter, an author, something which isn't so real to me.

I'm just so fucking sick of everyday life. I'm tired of polite conversation and smiles and watching movies and eating food and walking and driving and too short notice and stopping because I have to wake up in the morning, and restrictions. I want to feel really, really passionate about something real, not just a book or a film or someone else's thoughts. I want anger and violence and tears and strength and patriotism and laughter and argument and love. I want something to happen that can really, really change me. I've had escapism and it's incredible, but I'm starting to need involvement and it isn't here.