I was in a hotel room with not a lot to do recently, and I had my laptop but no internet. I started going through the files on my old computer, and I found this.
* * *
Computer, I’m in love.
Not with a person, in particular, but more with an idea. That over the last year and a bit, perhaps, I’ve started to notice things like parts of songs and little moments on TV and such, and it’s a feeling that kind of stirs something in me. An excitement and devotion and a kind of sadness that it took me a while to pin to a word but I think that’s maybe love.
I don’t know, though. It surely can’t be love, when there’s never a particular person involved, as in a person that I know, but words like simply crush are much too shallow for this.
The feeling is like a sort of warmth, the feeling of maybe that someone really wants you to be protected and safe. The feeling that someone is protecting you and that you are safe. And you, or I, I suppose, feel pretty and small and precious and like you want to nestle into this imaginary person’s arms and let them hold you and feel like nothing can touch you. There always has to be a small threat involved, and you know this person is protecting you so you can overcome it.
That’s about the soppiest thing I’ve ever written and I’m never going to read back on it for fear of embarrassment.
I could list all the songs and TV shows, a certain three people at the moment, all of them famous(ish) and considerably none of them real, not that they are fictional but real in a realistic sort of way but things about them I have fallen half in love with.
Yes, I am thirteen and “romance” and such in my little high school world is only starting to spread from it’s limits to an upper circle of popular people that I do not belong to and probably won’t, ever. There is only one person that I can really imagine being happy with and I, in fact, don’t know them very well at all, I think I just made myself decide on a person to pin my little inner bottle of imaginary love to, and I’ve sort of painted a picture of what he is really like. I doubt that Mner has ever thought about me very much, and that either of us ever will.
Yes, very mawkish indeed, but please don’t think I am in love with him because I am not. I hope to meet, one day, the montage of people in my head, of feelings and hopes and happiness, perhaps in a human form. It isn’t that I don’t have time and I know it’ll be a long, long time before anything like this happens. I don’t want to meet the person I’ll marry or anything. I don’t know what I want, in particular. I’m moaning because I’ve smelt a new kind of happiness and it’ll be a long time before I experience it. I hope I do, though.
That was really soppy, wasn’t it? I don’t do that a lot. Savour it, computer.
* * *
There are a few more "dear Computer" letters that I probably will never post, but ignoring the rest of it the first paragraph kind of makes me think that that was the age my mind started to mould in this completley new way I started to think, which maybe started out as sort of a good thing, as being more observent about the world in kind of silly ways, but it's getting quite destructive.
In short, I don't really have a lot of time to write a post but my past-self did it for me? :D
I might not be here next Wednesday because something very exciting is happening next week. I don't want to talk about it until afterwards because there's just a >20% change that it won't, and I'm sure I'll end up cracking if I try to blog on Wednesday. But I'll see you at the weekend, probably.
Bye xxx
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