Eurovision 2013

Seeing as my attempt to liveblog the BRITs went so "well", I will be spending my very worthwhile Saturday night talking here about the Eurovision song contest in fifteen minutes! You can follow along right here for sarcastic comments that won't quite compete with Graham Norton's, to support Bonnie and indulge in kitsch pop music as if we haven't all been listening to Daft Punk for the past month.

20:03 The first injection of ridiculousness of the evening as a caterpillar becomes the "Eurovision butterfly", making its flight to Malmo. This is Benny and Bjorn's new Eurovision anthem, "We Write the Story", and the theme of this year's contest (something I wasn't aware existed?) is "We Are One". I don't know if any of you just caught Dave Grohl and Taylor Swift parading along the walkway.

20:07 BONNIE.

20:08 This reminds me slightly of Les Mis. Upset already.

20:09 Unsure whether the presenter's dress is bright enough. It makes me incredibly sad that Sweden's "top comedian" is a patronising air hostess.

20:13 She said "MAY THE BEST SONG WIN" and all it made me think of was "MAY THE ODDS BE EVER IN YOUR FAVOUR."

20:17 FRANCE - Amandine Bourgeois performs "L'Enfer et Moi". This girl is the winner of a Pop Idol format show, and whilst she's certainly got a great voice and there's something courageous about entering with a rock song this just isn't ridiculous enough to still be memorable to voters in three hours time.

20:19 LITHUANIA - I really like "Something", by Andrius Pojavis, partly because it reminds me of Duran Duran a lot, definitely high hopes for this one.

20:22 MOLDOVA's entry is "O Mie" by Aliona Moon, who came eleventh last year as a backing musician. A song that's, honestly, just very forgettable but the wearing the whole of space and time on her dress is certainly going to help Moon along.

20:26 FINLAND are hotly tipped to win this year with "Marry Me" by Krista Sigefrids, which is just a really well constructed, gloriously catchy bubble pop song. Watch out for controversial lesbian kiss towards the end, supposedly a protest against Finnish governments views on same-sex marriage (and just incredibly badass)

20:30 SPAIN's entry is  "Contigo Hasta El Final" by ESDM, and this is sounding very un-Spanish, sad to hear someone's voice crackling and breaking with nerves but the staging/parade/lanterns are distracting enough.

20:34 Roberto Bellarosa won BELGIUM's version of The Voice, this is "Love Kills" and its writer has worked with One Direction and Little Mix. His facial expressions and the choreography are adequately tacky and it's just a very catchy pop song, I won't be surprised if this is a winner.

20:38 ESTONIA, with "Et Uus Saaks Alguse" by Hannah, who is another reality TV winner from their show Estonian Idol. I like seeing so many acts singing in their own language and not English, and this is a nice song but just not the amount of dancing or glitter that I expect from the Eurovision.

20:41 Alyona Lanskaya's entry for BELARUS with "Solayah", I am loving this already. They changed this from the original song to more of a "dance track", which may or may not have been a bad decision. I love the giant disco ball in the middle of the stage because it's so unnecessary, and this dance routine reminds me of the Inter-House Dance Contests from my high school, megalolz.

20:46 MALTA with Gianluca (a doctor, so at least he has a plan B!) with "Tomorrow". This is a sweet song and very reminiscent of Jason Mraz. May just be a winner, though I'm glad he isn't my doctor with that creepy grin.

20:50 RUSSIA's entry is "What If" by Dina Garipova, who won The Voice over there last year (there's definitely an overriding theme!) and this big ballad is tipped to win, although I don't think you can really beat their last year's entry of old ladies baking cookies on stage. You just don't know. You just don't.

20:52 DRAMATIC KEY CHANGE

20:54 GERMANY have pulled Cascada out of the dungeon, whose entry has been accused of ripping off last year's winner - this is "Glorious" and I agree it's basically last year's winning song, except with more glitter and there's big steps so they're bound to win. Such an energetic performance though.

20:58 ARMENIA have never won but the fact that Gor Sujyan and Dorians' entry "Lonely Planet" was co-written by Tony Ionni of recently reformed Black Sabbath should definitely contribute towards their votes. However if you don't know better, it's really just another man with a beard in jeans looking like he doesn't care whether he wins or not. I'd comment on how it's stupid that the drummer's wearing sunglasses indoors but it looks pretty fucking bright in there

21:03 Swedish comedy is about as funny as being shot in the foot.

21:05 Anouk singing "Birds", she's singing for THE NETHERLANDS and a huge star over there and in other countries. I totally understand all of the Lana Del Rey comparisons. This actually might do really well, I can't tell at all.

21:10 ROMANIA -  ALL best Eurovision performances start with a strobe effects warning and "It's My Life" by Cezar is looking to be a typically excellently kitsch performances. This guy is decidedly Count Dracula and Freddie Mercury's lovechild. A woman dancing and spreading gold. I love this. This is the best one. The BEST ONE.

21:14 UNITED KINGDOM, Bonnie Tyler sings "Believe In Me". I sang her song "Total Eclipse of the Heart" in school aged 10 because I was a massive loser, so Bonnie is totally my homegirl. First time I've heard this song and it's actually not bad, her voice is fabulously gravelly and she's just really charismatic on the stage. C'mon guuurrrl.

21:18 This is Robin Sternberg singing "You" for SWEDEN. He's a good singer, very Gary Barlow/boyband-ish, and this guy was actually a runner up by a narrow margin on Swedish Idol.

21:23 ANOTHER "Idk beard" man from HUNGARY, this is "Kedvasem" by ByeAlex. This is nicely unpretentious and not sung in English, which is always a brave move.

21:26 One of the bookie's favourites, this is DENMARK's entry "Only Teardrops" by Emmelie De Forest, this is already in the charts and I actually really like this. Her voice is unusual and she reminds me of Diana Vickers from The X Factor a few years ago with "the claw" dance move, it definitely has the "Eurocamp dance club" feel.

21:30 ICELAND: This is Eythor Ingi with "Eg A Lif": this guy's played Rif-Raf in The Rocky Horror Show before which I can totally picture, Graham Norton said that Icelandic is not a language of love but LISTEN TO SIGUR ROS. You can tell this guy's a musical theatre star in his diction, but this song lacked the rousing chorus it needed.

21:35 Farid Mammadov with "Hold Me" for AZKERBAJAN, who hosted last year. The composer has written songs that have won before, and the dancer in the box is obvs symbolising his tortured inner self which is fab. Also the woman in the red dress is totally significant. Ok the box is full of lottery tickets.

21:38 GREECE's song is called "Alcohol Is Free" which makes me laugh no end, this is Koza Mostra feat. Agathon Iakovidis. I love this already, they're like Greek folk rock which makes them pretty much Mumford and Sons, surely yes? They may actually win, having a genuinely great and really happy track, as well as with the benefit of the sympathy cote.

21:42 UKRAINE, in which Zlanta Ognevich is CARRIED ONTO THE STAGE BY A SEVEN FOOT MAN before singing "Gravity" which is a really rousing disco track reminding me in ways of Shakira. Ukraine are typical tack-fest Eurovision entry every year (and kind of a winner in my eyes).

21:46 Margo Mengoni is singing  "L'Essenziale" for ITALY, and he won The X Factor over there. This song has spent 8 weeks at #1 and very realityTVwinner-esque with a faux rock backing and string arrangement he clearly didn't write. Loving the skipping though, the following he has already might just save the day.

21:51 This is NORWAY's entry, "I Feed You Love" by Margaret Berger, a bad electro dance track that just seems really forgettable, though it's actually favourite to win. She is kind of like Daeneyres though.

21:54 GEORGIA's entry, "Waterfall" is performed by Nodin Taschivili and Sophie Gelovani, and composed by one of the writers of last year's winner "Euphoria". Just a very nice duet, but lacks, again, that catchy chorus and touch of crazy that the Eurovision demands.

21:18 The final entry is IRELAND; tonight Ryan Dolan is singing "Only Love Survives". The double leather is terrible, the fact this song's already charted in Sweden will help the votes and this is the kind of giant dance number we normally expect from Ukraine etc. Odds of it winning aren't high, but I wouldn't be surprised.

22:05 Going to get more wine instead of sticking around for the voting, but I predict Norway or Finland to win I guess? Though would love Malta because I am a sucker for cutesy ukelele songs, and I secretly loved Bonnie negl.

Goodnight internet xxx