So one of my friends was in hospital last week, for a while. I went to see her and brought her flowers and some books to read and things, and so did a lot of other people, and from what she's said to me about it she was hardly ever alone.
It wasn't anything death threatening but I found it really reassuring how much they all seemed to take care over this, especially seeing as as a group I don't really feel like we do see each other out of school but not very much (something which has its negative and positive points). It was nice, and none of us have ever been in situations like this, it was nice how devoted everybody seemed to be. But I can't help but wonder if it would be like that for everyone in the group, if they were ill, if it was someone else.
Today, for a few reasons, one which was a song, I started thinking about the visiting area in prisons.
It's something that's suddenly become really interesting, the environment in this situation. I think that people don't seem to know how to interact, because although you're talking with someone you know and you're used to, addressing the mundane little things that go on in your life, bringing in awkward smiles and forced jokes but it's still very there: the fact that only one of you is really able to participate in real life, at that time. That's sort of devastating and I can't get my head around it.
Obviously it's a situation I've never been either end of, and luckily. But it reminds me slightly of last summer, going to Manchester regularly to visit my grandfather as he was dying. And it wasn't definite and nobody ever addressed it but I think we all knew. Though his favourite thing to do during those times was just make a little conversation about my school and things, then watch sports on TV, normally golf or tennis. Maybe the best way to do things like this is to act as we always would.
Coming back to the first thing; my very well looked after friend who was in hospital, it made me think. Not that I'm planning on it, of course, but:
If I was in prison, would any of my friends come and visit me?
Because it's easy to associate yourself with somebody that's incidentally ill, bring them carnations and confectionery and hugs, write all over their Facebook page how much you miss them and want them home. But prison is, obviously, completely different, because unlike illness committing a crime requires shame that some people have to share. Thinking about my friends, they fall into two categories: those that would want detachment from the situation, and those that just wouldn't find the time. And I don't particularly think that that makes them awful human beings.
The song I was talking about before, that made me think about all this, I've found out just now it's about somebody in rehab. But that fits in too: it's much easier to love and support somebody in a hospital ward to admit to yourself that they're a criminal, or a cocaine addict, or somebody to be ashamed of as well as them being your friend. The "Love 'ya babe, come home soon"'s probably don't extend that far. I feel the need to constantly reassure you that I'm not planning any of this, it's just something that really interested me: but if I was arrested, if I overdosed and went into rehabilitation, I can't help but thinking at least seventy percent of the people that I know would cut themselves off as soon as possible. And a little part of me doesn't really blame them, because it's hard to admit to yourself that the version of somebody that you love isn't the one that they always are. It's much harder to be on somebody's side if they're not what you can agree with, or be proud of.
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